woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
