last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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