Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
