There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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