Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just found puke in my bra..
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
