Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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