I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize