Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
