I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
