I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
