Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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