??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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