I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize