If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
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