I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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