he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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