onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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