I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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