my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
