I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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