I got chris browned last night
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize