the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
