I never want to see another naked old woman again.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
