4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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