just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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