i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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