Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
