Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
