I got her a Nickelback box set.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
