Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
