Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
