I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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