on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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