mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
