The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
