Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Define "chronic" masturbator.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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