My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
