If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
