Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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