Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
