my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
