Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
