Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
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