Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
