apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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