i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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