john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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