Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
