i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just want to make out with him forever
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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