it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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