I could have mohawked her pubes.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
