i was born a porn star she said
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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