I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
