Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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