Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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