does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
