woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
